I am old. I WANT to die.

I have been thinking about this blog post for a while now. But I have hesitated. My own feeling on the subject as still confused.  Also because I don’t want my blog to be seen as a “downer”.  But the reason I started my own blog was just for these type issues. Real Life.  And boy, I was dealing with real life NOW.

I have been changing a lot of diapers lately, not on a cute newborn baby bottom, but an old wrinkly one.  My father-in-law no longer has control of his bladder or bowels.

The worst thing is that he knows what is happening.  He is still pretty damn sharp for a 96 year old.  He asked me last night if I “had ever thought I would be cleaning an old persons butt?” I tried to make a joke of it, asking him not to fart on me…it made him laugh but it did not really cover up the sadness involved.

My father-in-law and I have been talking quite a bit lately. His sitter was sick and my husband and I have been doing sitting duty. He told me “ I am ready to go, I have lived long enough! I am ready to die ” I don’t think he really wanted a response from me. At least I hope not.

I have been re-reading a book called “How We Die”.  By Sherwin B. Nuland. It was a National book award winner. I purchased the book about fifteen years ago when my grandmother had Alzheimer’s. We had recently put her into a nursing home and I wanted to learn as much as I could. I wanted to know how long before she died.

It may make me seem heartless but I have to wonder, how long before Ben dies? He is ready to go, and to be perfectly honest so are we. I know how horrible that sounds. Selfish, probably.  I do not want to see him to continue to decline. To be embarrassed. To hear him say how thankful he is to have us. It makes me feel ashamed. I don’t feel like I can bare the weight of his gratitude.

Have you thought much about your old age? I have. I have already expressed that I do not want my children to take me home. I do not want them to feel the mixed feelings of love and anger Love and responsibility. I want to be put in a rocking old folks home if possible.  What about you?



4 responses to “I am old. I WANT to die.

  1. I agree with you whole heartedly. My father has alzheimers, as did my grandmother. It makes you realize that there are alot worse things than death and while I am cetainly not ready to go anytime soon I sure don’t want it to be prolonged when it is my time. I will have to get a copy of the book you mentioned. Maybe it will help me get a grip on the loss I am feeling now.

  2. i want to die now, i am 60 and see nothing but future suffering

    • I am so sorry you feel that way. But I do understand. Don’t you think all life suffering? Maybe it is just how we choose to deal with it. Please reach out to a friend or loved one for help. We all need help from time to time.

  3. You have a very good site here and are developing an amazing social network. I’m impressed and envious. Also, you must be very proud of your children! drmichael

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